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While on
his morning walk, Prime Minister Kevin Rudd falls over, has a heart attack
and dies because the accident and emergency dept at his nearest hospital is
too understaffed to treat him in time.
So his soul
arrives in Heaven and he is met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.
'Welcome to Heaven,' says Saint Peter, 'Before you settle in, it seems
there is a problem. We seldom see a Socialist around these parts, so we're
not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem,
just let me in; I'm a good Christian; I'm a believer,' says the PM.
'I'd like to
just let you in, but I have orders from God. He says that since the
implementation of his new HEAVEN CHOICES policy, you have to spend one day
in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for
eternity.'
'But I've
already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,' replies Rudd
'I'm sorry
.. But we have our rules,' Peter interjects. And, with that, St. Peter
escorts him to a lift and he goes down, down, down ...all the way to Hell.
The doors
open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course.
Everyone
laughing, happy, and casually but expensively dressed.
'Uh, I
can't drink anymore; I took a pledge,' says Rudd, dejectedly.
Rudd takes
the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really
very friendly bloke who tells funny jokes like himself and pulls hilarious
nasty pranks, kind of like the ones the Labour Party pulled with their
master strokes on Education, Immigration, Petrol prices, Tough on Crime
promises.
They are
having such a great time that, before he realises it, it's time to go.
Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Rudd steps on the lift and heads
upward.
When the
lift door reopens, he is in Heaven again and Saint Peter is waiting for
him. 'Now it's time to visit Heaven,' the old man says, opening the gate.
So for 24
hours Rudd is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people
who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money and
treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or short-arse joke among them.
No fancy country clubs here and, while the food tastes great, it's not
caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor. He doesn't see anybody he
knows and he isn't even treated like someone special!
'Whoa,' he
says uncomfortably to himself. 'Gough Whitlam never prepared me for this!'
The day
done, Saint Peter returns and says, 'Well, you've spent a day in Hell and a
day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for Eternity.'
With the
'Deal or No Deal' theme playing softly in the background, Rudd reflects for
a minute ... Then answers: 'Well, I would never have thought I'd say this
-- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all -- but I really think I
belong in Hell with my friends.'
So Saint
Peter escorts him to the lift and he goes down, down, down, all the way to
Hell.
The doors of
the lift open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered
with garbage and toxic industrial wasteland, looking a bit like the eroded,
rabbit and fox affected Australian outback, but worse and more desolate.
The Devil
comes over to Rudd and puts an arm around his shoulder.' I don't
understand,' stammers a shocked Rudd, 'Yesterday I was here and there was a
golf course and a club-house and we ate lobster and caviar and drank
tequila. The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly and purrs, 'Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us!
WORLD WAR III IS COMING ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? President Bush and Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks "Is that who I think it is? The bartender says, 'Yep, that's them.' So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honour! What are you guys doing in here?' Bush says, 'We're planning WW III.' And the guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?' Bush says, 'Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits.' The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?' Bush turns to Rumsfeld and says, 'See, I told you no one CARES about the 140 million Muslims'.
This is why we love old people After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the tv. As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'That was wonderful. Why did you stop?' He said, 'I found the remote'.
INSTALLING A HUSBAND
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs,
and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3
to fix these problems, but to no! avail.
Please enter the command: 'http: I
Thought You Loved Me.html' and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to
install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0
should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
But remember, overuse of the above
application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5,Happy Hour
7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Whatever you do, DO
NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will
eventually seize control of all your system resources).
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great
program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications
quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and
performance.
We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot
Lingerie 7.7.
WHAT
IS A GRANDPARENT?
The Man and
the Ostrich:
Leaving
Work early:
After all she never called, or came back to
work, so how would she know they went home early?.
Lawyers should never ask grandmas a question if they aren't
prepared for
He approached her and asked; "Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've
known you
You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about
them
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since
he was
One of them was your wife. Yes I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
"If either of you rascals asks her if she knows me, I'll send
you to the This is very short and straight to the point!
A guy walks into a "Excuse me Miss, day ye hav any books on suicide?"
To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses, and says,
(Short one are sometimes good ones)
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. Officer: Don't have one? Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Older Woman: I can't do that. Officer: Why not? Older Woman: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer: You what? Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle. Older woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am? Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned. Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below: GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?" BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next." I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.
Even Jesus liked a good joke 2. He lived at home until he was 33. 3. He
was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was
God. 2. He
had wine with His meals. 1. He
was at peace with nature. 1. He never got married. 2. He
was always telling stories. 2. He
kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just
didn't get it.
The Duck and the
Lawyer The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
"A retired
corporate executive, now a widower, decided to take a vacation. He
booked himself on a The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to have a drink. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside? The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do, Why?" The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside; and sure enough, Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better." Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?". The Lone Ranger stands, again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?" The cowboy looks him in the eye and says, "Nothin, but you left your Injun running". Smart fella this Forest Gump. Subject: Forrest Gump was sent on his way to Heaven.
Upon his arrival, a concerned St Peter met Forrest at the Pearly Gates. I'm sorry Forrest, St Peter said; "But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals. That's Cool" said Forrest, What does the Entrance Exam consist of?" 3 Questions" said St Peter. Which are?" asked Forrest. The First" said St Peter, " Is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'? The second is : How many seconds are there in a year" The third is : What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?" Now" said St Peter, "Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me." So Forrest went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought. ( I expect you to do the same). The following morning, St Peter called upon Forrest and asked if he had considered the questions, to which Forrest replied, "I have." Well then," said St Peter, "Which two days of the week start with the letter T?" Forrest said, " Today . . and Tomorrow." St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question. Well then Forrest, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?" St Peter went on, " How many seconds in a year?" Forrest replied, "Just 12!" Only 12?" exclaimed St Peter, "How did you arrive at that figure Forrest?" Easy" said Forest. "There's the second of January, the second of February right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds." St Peter looked at Forrest and said,"I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision." And he walked away shaking his head. A short time later St Peter returned to Forrest. "I'll allow the answer to stand Forrest, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven." Now Forrest, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?" Forrest replied: "Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer." Really!" exclaimed St Peter, "And what is the answer, Forrest?" It's Andy." Andy??" Yes, Andy" said Forrest. This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to Forrest, asked "Forrest, how in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?" "Easy" said Forrest . . "Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his billy boiled ." And Forrest entered Heaven....
Tax Cuts That, boys and girls,
journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The
people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from
An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a
drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next
to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real
cowboy?" A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings." The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more
forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in
Billings."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't
serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings"
The bartender states, "Sorry, we
don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who
are on drugs." The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."
Priorities
A future maroon perhaps...Hughie Subject: NZ Thesaurus for Aussies
In case the Kiwi accent is ever a bit hard to follow...
Milburn ............... capital of Victoria
Peck .................. to fill a suitcase
Pissed aside .......... chemical which kills insects
Pigs .................. for hanging out washing with
Pug ................... large pink animal with a curly tail
Nin tin dough ......... computer game
Munner stroney ........ soup
Min ................... male of the species
Mess Kara ............. eye makeup
McKennock ............. person who fixes cars
Mere .................. Mayor
Leather ............... foam produced from soap
Lift .................. departed
Kiri Pecker ........... famous Australian businessman
Kittle crusps ......... potato chips
Ken's ................. Cairns
Jumbo ................. pet name for someone called Jim
Jungle Bills .......... Christmas carol
Inner me .............. enemy
Guess ................. vapour
Fush .................. marine creatures
Fitter cheney ......... type of pasta
Ever cardeau .......... avocado
Fear hear ............. blonde
Ear ................... mix of nitrogen and oxygen
Ear roebucks .......... exercise at the gym
Duffy cult ............ not easy
Amejen ................ visualise
Day old chuck ......... very young poultry
Bug hut ............... popular recording
Bun button ............ been bitten by insect
Beard ................. a place to sleep
Chully Bun ............ Esky
Sucks Peck ............ Half a dozen beers
Ear New Zulland ....... an extinct airline
Beers ................. large savage animals found in U.S. forests
Veerjun ............... mythical New Zealand maiden
One Doze .............. wellknown computer program
Brudge ................ structure spanning a stream
Sex ................... one less than sivven
Tin ................... onemore than nine
Iggs Ecktly ........... Precisely
Earplane .............. large flying machine
Beggage Chucken ....... place to leave your suitcase at the earport
Sivven Sucks Sivven ... large Boeing aircraft
Sivven Four Sivven... larger Boeing aircraft
Cuds .................. children
Pits .................. domestic animals
Cuttin ................ baby cat
Munce................. usually served on toast
GOOD MORNING FATHER
Blonde Stories A young Redhead goes into
the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it
"Impossible", says the doctor. "Show me." A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman; Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new
wives duties. The first man had married a woman from Albania, and bragged
that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house
cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days
but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all
washed and put away. Chilli
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