Cruising Yarns

While on his morning walk, Prime Minister Kevin Rudd falls over, has a heart attack and dies because the accident and emergency dept at his nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat him in time.

So his soul arrives in Heaven and he is met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Welcome to Heaven,' says Saint Peter, 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Socialist around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in; I'm a good Christian; I'm a believer,' says the PM.

'I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from God. He says that since the implementation of his new HEAVEN CHOICES policy, you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity.'

'But I've already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,' replies Rudd

'I'm sorry .. But we have our rules,' Peter interjects. And, with that, St. Peter escorts him to a lift and he goes down, down, down ...all the way to Hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course.
The sun is shining in a cloudless sky. The temperature is a perfect 22 degrees. In the distance is a beautiful club-house. Standing in front of it is Gough Whitlam and thousands of other Socialist luminaries who had helped him out over the years --- Bob Hawke, Paul Keating, etc. The whole of the Labour Party leaders were there ..

Everyone laughing, happy, and casually but expensively dressed.
They run to greet him, to hug him and to reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of 'suckers and peasants.'
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.
The Devil himself comes up to Rudd with a frosty drink, 'Have a tequila and relax, Kev!'

'Uh, I can't drink anymore; I took a pledge,' says Rudd, dejectedly.
'This is Hell, son. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry and it just gets better from there!'

Rudd takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly bloke who tells funny jokes like himself and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like the ones the Labour Party pulled with their master strokes on Education, Immigration, Petrol prices, Tough on Crime promises.

They are having such a great time that, before he realises it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Rudd steps on the lift and heads upward.

When the lift door reopens, he is in Heaven again and Saint Peter is waiting for him. 'Now it's time to visit Heaven,' the old man says, opening the gate.

So for 24 hours Rudd is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or short-arse joke among them. No fancy country clubs here and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor. He doesn't see anybody he knows and he isn't even treated like someone special!

'Whoa,' he says uncomfortably to himself. 'Gough Whitlam never prepared me for this!'

The day done, Saint Peter returns and says, 'Well, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for Eternity.'

With the 'Deal or No Deal' theme playing softly in the background, Rudd reflects for a minute ... Then answers: 'Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all -- but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends.'

So Saint Peter escorts him to the lift and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.

The doors of the lift open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial wasteland, looking a bit like the eroded, rabbit and fox affected Australian outback, but worse and more desolate.

He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the roadside rubbish and putting it into black plastic bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.

The Devil comes over to Rudd and puts an arm around his shoulder.' I don't understand,' stammers a shocked Rudd, 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a club-house and we ate lobster and caviar and drank tequila.
We lazed around and had a great time.. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!'

The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly and purrs, 'Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us!

Victory at sea

This picture is a must click

FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION!!!!

Elderly friends..................

Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to
feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Bill didn't show up. Sam wasn't concerned; he thought Bill might have a cold or some urgent appointment. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since Sam didn't know where Bill lived (the only time they ever got together was at the park) he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

After a month had passed, Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill.
On his next visit to the park, however, Bill was sitting on their usual bench waiting for him.

Amazed and delighted, Sam exclaimed, 'For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?'

Bill replied, 'I've been in jail.'

'Jail?' cried Sam. 'You?! What on earth for?'

'Well,' Bill said, ' you know Sue , that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

'Yes,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?'

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me. At age 89, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty.'

'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'

WORLD WAR III IS COMING ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?

President Bush and Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar.

A guy walks in and asks "Is that who I think it is?

The bartender says, 'Yep, that's them.'

So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honour! What are you guys doing in here?'

Bush says, 'We're planning WW III.'

And the guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'

Bush says, 'Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits.'

The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?'

Bush turns to Rumsfeld and says, 'See, I told you no one CARES about the 140 million Muslims'.

If you were around in 1919 and saw this poster.........

Would you quit drinking?

This is why we love old people
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matt er of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

A Loving Touch

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.

He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the tv.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'That was wonderful. Why did you stop?'

He said, 'I found the remote'.

INSTALLING A HUSBAND
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance --
particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then Installed undesirable programs such as AFL 5.0, The Ashes 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no! avail.

What can I do?
Signed, Desperate
......................................................................
Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Please enter the command: 'http: I Thought You Loved Me.html' and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5,Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).
Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.

WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?
(taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)

Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of her own. They like other people's.

A grandfather is a man & a grandmother is a lady!

Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves

and caterpillars.

They show us and talk to us about the colour of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'

They don't say, 'Hurry up.'

Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear.

They can take their teeth and gums out.

Grandparents don't have to be smart.

They have to answer questions like 'why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?'.

When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grown ups who like to spend time with us.

They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say prayers with us every time and kiss us even when we've acted bad.

A 6 year old was asked where his grandma lived. ''Oh,'' he said, ''she lives at the airport and when we want her we just go get her. Then when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport.''

Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

It's funny when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.'

Send this to other grandparents It will make their day.

The Man and the Ostrich:
A man enters a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress, somewhat surprised, asks the man for his order.
The man says, 'a hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'a hamburger, fries and a coke.' The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'    Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.    'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'same,' says the Ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.' Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me sir.   How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'
'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'
That's right. Whether it's a litre of milk or a new yacht, the exact money is always there,' says the man.

The waitress asks, 'what 's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'my second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say!'

Leaving Work early:
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day they noticed the boss left work early. One day the girls decided that when the boss left they would leave right behind her.

After all she never called, or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?.

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout and a spa before meeting her dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom door she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss. Gently she closed the door and crept out of the house.

The next day at their coffee break the redhead and the brunette planned to leave early again and they asked the blonde if she was going with them.

No way the blonde exclaimed. I almost got caught yesterday.

Lawyers?

Lawyers should never ask grandmas a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand.

He approached her and asked; "Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to me.

You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs.. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women.

One of them was your wife. Yes I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice said:

"If either of you rascals asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

Impeccably Logical librarian

This is very short and straight to the point!

A guy walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

"Excuse me Miss, day ye hav any books on suicide?"

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses, and says,

"Nick off, ye'll no bring it back!"

(Short one are sometimes good ones)

A Senior Driver

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Don't Mess With Old Ladies

An elderly man in Queensland

An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for several years.

He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and avocado trees.

The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a ten-litre bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the crocodile."

Moral: Old men may walk slowly, but they can still think fast.

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh. Killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
	Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?" He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

Guts or Balls?

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below:

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

Even Jesus liked a good joke
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He didn't get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.

2. He lived at home until he was 33.

3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands.

2. He had wine with His meals.
3. He used olive oil .

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:

1. He was at peace with nature.
2. He ate a lot of fish.
3. He talked about the Great Spirit.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:

1. He never got married.

2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food.

2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do.

The Duck and the Lawyer
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee.
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an
elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements like this; with the "Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn.

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

Shipwrecked?

"A retired corporate executive, now a widower, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?"

She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing. He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.

"Don't tell me you've built a Yacht Club !."

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to have a drink.

After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do, Why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside; and sure enough, Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion.

The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."

Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.

Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?". The Lone Ranger stands, again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"

The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,

"Nothin, but you left your Injun running".

Smart fella this Forest Gump.

Subject: Forrest Gump was sent on his way to Heaven.

Upon his arrival, a concerned St Peter met Forrest at the Pearly Gates.

I'm sorry Forrest, St Peter said; "But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.

That's Cool" said Forrest, What does the Entrance Exam consist of?"

3 Questions" said St Peter.

Which are?" asked Forrest.

The First" said St Peter, " Is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?

The second is : How many seconds are there in a year"

The third is : What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?"

Now" said St Peter, "Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me."

So Forrest went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought. ( I expect you to do the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon Forrest and asked if he had considered the questions, to which Forrest replied, "I have." Well then," said St Peter, "Which two days of the week start with the letter T?"

Forrest said, " Today . . and Tomorrow."

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

Well then Forrest, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?" St Peter went on, " How many seconds in a year?"

Forrest replied, "Just 12!"

Only 12?" exclaimed St Peter, "How did you arrive at that figure Forrest?"

Easy" said Forest. "There's the second of January, the second of February right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds."

St Peter looked at Forrest and said,"I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision." And he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later St Peter returned to Forrest. "I'll allow the answer to stand Forrest, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven."

Now Forrest, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?" Forrest replied: "Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer."

Really!" exclaimed St Peter, "And what is the answer, Forrest?"

It's Andy."

Andy??"

Yes, Andy" said Forrest.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to Forrest, asked "Forrest, how in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?"

"Easy" said Forrest . . "Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his billy boiled ."

And Forrest entered Heaven....

Tax Cuts
Suppose that every night, ten men go out for dinner at La Porchetta's. The bill for all ten comes to $100. They decide to pay their bill the way we pay
our taxes and it goes like this:
* The first four men (the poorest) paid nothing.
* The fifth paid $1.
* The sixth $3.
* The seventh $7.
* The eighth $12.
* The ninth $18.
* The tenth man (the richest) paid $59.
All 10 are quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner says:
"Since you are all such good customers, I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily meal by $20." So now their dinner for ten only costs $80. The group still decides to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes.
The first four men are unaffected. They will still eat for free.
But how should the other six, the paying customers, divvy up the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his "fair share"?
They realise that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtract that from everybody's share, then the fifth and sixth men would each end up being
paid to eat. The restaurateur suggests reducing each man's bill by roughly the same percentage, thus:
* The fifth man pays nothing (like the first four) instead of $1 (100%saving).
* The sixth pays $2 instead of $3 (33% saving).
* The seventh pays $5 instead of $7 (28% saving).
* The eighth pays $9 instead of $12 (25% saving).
* The ninth pays $14 instead of $18 (22% saving).
* The tenth pays $49 instead of $59 (16% saving).
Each of the six are better off, and the first four continue to eat for free, as now does the fifth - but outside the restaurant, the men began to compare
their savings.
"I only got a dollar out of the $20," declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man "but he got $10!"
"That's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a dollar too. It's unfair that he got ten times more than me!"
"That's true!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get $10 back when I got only $2? The wealthy get all the breaks!"
"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison. "We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!"
The nine men then surrounded the tenth and beat him up.
The next night the tenth man didn't show up for dinner. The nine sat down and ate without him, but when they came to pay the bill, they discovered
that they didn't have enough money between all of them to meet even half of the bill.

That, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from
a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up at the table anymore.
There are lots of good restaurants in Monaco and the Caribbean.

David R. Kamerschen, Professor of Economics, University of NSW.

An Old Cowboy

An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink.   As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.   She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences, and branding cattle, so I guess I am."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women.   As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. As I watch TV, or even eat, I think about women.   Everything seems to make me think about women."

The two sat sipping in silence.   A short time later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

Can't Bear it

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings"
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."
The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs.

The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."

Priorities
One day a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So, he tied her up and went Sailing.

A future maroon perhaps...Hughie
A Queenslander is drinking in a West Darwin bar when he gets a call on his mobile phone. As he hangs up he is grinning from ear to ear and then orders a round of drinks for everyone in the bar because, as he announces, his wife has just produced a baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Queenslander just shrugs, "That's about average in Queensland, fellas; he's just your typical Queensland baby boy."
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW"! were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later the Queenslander returns to the bar.
The bartender says, " Hey, you're the father of that typical Queensland baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were going to call you; so how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, " 19 pounds."
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."
The Queensland father takes a slow swig from his XXXX beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bar and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."

Subject: NZ Thesaurus for Aussies

In case the Kiwi accent is ever a bit hard to follow...

Milburn ............... capital of Victoria

Peck .................. to fill a suitcase

Pissed aside .......... chemical which kills insects

Pigs .................. for hanging out washing with

Pug ................... large pink animal with a curly tail

Nin tin dough ......... computer game

Munner stroney ........ soup

Min ................... male of the species

Mess Kara ............. eye makeup

McKennock ............. person who fixes cars

Mere .................. Mayor

Leather ............... foam produced from soap

Lift .................. departed

Kiri Pecker ........... famous Australian businessman

Kittle crusps ......... potato chips

Ken's ................. Cairns

Jumbo ................. pet name for someone called Jim

Jungle Bills .......... Christmas carol

Inner me .............. enemy

Guess ................. vapour

Fush .................. marine creatures

Fitter cheney ......... type of pasta

Ever cardeau .......... avocado

Fear hear ............. blonde

Ear ................... mix of nitrogen and oxygen

Ear roebucks .......... exercise at the gym

Duffy cult ............ not easy

Amejen ................ visualise

Day old chuck ......... very young poultry

Bug hut ............... popular recording

Bun button ............ been bitten by insect

Beard ................. a place to sleep

Chully Bun ............ Esky

Sucks Peck ............ Half a dozen beers

Ear New Zulland ....... an extinct airline

Beers ................. large savage animals found in U.S. forests

Veerjun ............... mythical New Zealand maiden

One Doze .............. wellknown computer program

Brudge ................ structure spanning a stream

Sex ................... one less than sivven

Tin ................... onemore than nine

Iggs Ecktly ........... Precisely

Earplane .............. large flying machine

Beggage Chucken ....... place to leave your suitcase at the earport

Sivven Sucks Sivven ... large Boeing aircraft

Sivven Four Sivven... larger Boeing aircraft

Cuds .................. children

Pits .................. domestic animals

Cuttin ................ baby cat

Munce................. usually served on toast

GOOD MORNING FATHER
Two Priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb.
They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them.
They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said "Good Morning, Father. Good Morning, Father." nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?.
So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them. Once again, in their new attire, settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.
After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a string, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.
Again she nodded at each of them, said "Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father." and started to walk away.
One of the Priests couldn't stand it any longer and said. "Just a minute young lady."
"Yes, Father?"
"We are Priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are Priests, dressed as we are?"
"Father, it's me, Sister Angela." she replied.

Blonde Stories
A Blonde was driving home and got caught in a really bad hailstorm.
Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to Kev the Panel Beater.
Kev saw that she was a Blonde and decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard
and all the dents would pop out.
The Blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tail pipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little
harder and still nothing happened. Her roommate, also a Blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"
The Blonde told her how Kev the panel beater had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
Her Blonde room mate rolled her eyes and said, Hel-l-l-o-o-o-o!
You need to roll up the windows first!"

A young Redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it "Impossible", says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony.
She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams.
The doctor says, "You're not really a Redhead, are you?"
"No," she says, "I'm actually a Blonde."
"I thought so, the doctor says." "Your fingers broken."

A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman;
I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my computer screen.
The surprised salesman replies:
But, madam, computers do not have curtains....
And the blonde said:
Helloooo.... I've got Windows

Got to love them Aussie girls !!!

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. The first man had married a woman from Albania, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
The second man had married a woman from Korea. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table. The third man had married an Australian girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.

Hot Chilli Competition

Chilli judging
Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chilli cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chilli # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chilli
Judge # 1 A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild
Judge # 3 (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chilli # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chilli
Judge # 1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chilli # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chilli, a bit salty, good use of peppers
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

Chilli # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chilli.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT-just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chilli an aphrodisiac?

Chilli # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chilli # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian var