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![]() Aussie Poem.... The sun was hot already - it was only 8 o'clock The cocky took off in his Ute, to go and check his stock. He drove around the paddocks checking wethers, ewes and lambs, The float valves in the water troughs, the windmills on the dams. He stopped and turned a windmill on to fill a water tank And saw a ewe down in the dam, a few yards from the bank. 'Typical bloody sheep,' he thought, 'they've got no common sense, 'They won't go through a gateway but they'll jump a bloody fence.' The ewe was stuck down in the mud, he knew without a doubt She'd stay there 'til she carked it if he didn't get her out. But when he reached the water's edge, the startled ewe broke free And in her haste to get away, began a swimming spree. He reckoned once her fleece was wet, the weight would drag her down If he didn't rescue her, the stupid sod would drown. Her style was unimpressive, her survival chances slim He saw no other option, he would have to take a swim. He peeled his shirt and singlet off, his trousers, boots and socks And as he couldn't stand wet clothes, he also shed his jocks. He jumped into the water and away that cocky swam He caught up with her, somewhere near the middle of the dam The ewe was quite evasive, she kept giving him the slip He tried to grab her sodden fleece but couldn't get a grip. At last he got her to the bank and stopped to catch his breath She showed him little gratitude for saving her from death. She took off like a Bondi tram around the other side He swore next time he caught that ewe he'd hang her bloody hide. Then round and round the dam they ran, although he felt quite puffed He still thought he could run her down, she must be nearly stuffed. The local stock rep came along, to pay a call that day. He knew this bloke was on his own, his wife had gone away He didn't really think he'd get fresh scones for morning tea But nor was he prepared for what he was about to see. He rubbed his eyes in disbelief at what came into view For running down the catchment came this frantic-looking ewe. And on her heels in hot pursuit and wearing not a stitch The farmer yelling wildly 'Come back here, you lousy bitch!' The stock rep didn't hang around, he took off in his car The cocky's reputation has been damaged near and far So bear in mind the Work Safe rule when next you check your flocks Spot the hazard, assess the risk, and always wear your jocks!
Grandmother
of All Blonde Jokes
The three men
kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar..
While on
his morning walk, Prime Minister Kevin Rudd falls over, has a heart attack
and dies because the accident and emergency dept at his nearest hospital is
too understaffed to treat him in time.
So his soul
arrives in Heaven and he is met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.
'Welcome to Heaven,' says Saint Peter, 'Before you settle in, it seems
there is a problem. We seldom see a Socialist around these parts, so we're
not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem,
just let me in; I'm a good Christian; I'm a believer,' says the PM.
'I'd like to
just let you in, but I have orders from God. He says that since the
implementation of his new HEAVEN CHOICES policy, you have to spend one day
in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for
eternity.'
'But I've
already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,' replies Rudd
'I'm sorry
.. But we have our rules,' Peter interjects. And, with that, St. Peter
escorts him to a lift and he goes down, down, down ...all the way to Hell.
The doors
open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course.
Everyone
laughing, happy, and casually but expensively dressed.
'Uh, I
can't drink anymore; I took a pledge,' says Rudd, dejectedly.
Rudd takes
the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really
very friendly bloke who tells funny jokes like himself and pulls hilarious
nasty pranks, kind of like the ones the Labour Party pulled with their
master strokes on Education, Immigration, Petrol prices, Tough on Crime
promises.
They are
having such a great time that, before he realises it, it's time to go.
Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Rudd steps on the lift and heads
upward.
When the
lift door reopens, he is in Heaven again and Saint Peter is waiting for
him. 'Now it's time to visit Heaven,' the old man says, opening the gate.
So for 24
hours Rudd is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people
who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money and
treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or short-arse joke among them.
No fancy country clubs here and, while the food tastes great, it's not
caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor. He doesn't see anybody he
knows and he isn't even treated like someone special!
'Whoa,' he
says uncomfortably to himself. 'Gough Whitlam never prepared me for this!'
The day
done, Saint Peter returns and says, 'Well, you've spent a day in Hell and a
day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for Eternity.'
With the
'Deal or No Deal' theme playing softly in the background, Rudd reflects for
a minute ... Then answers: 'Well, I would never have thought I'd say this
-- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all -- but I really think I
belong in Hell with my friends.'
So Saint
Peter escorts him to the lift and he goes down, down, down, all the way to
Hell.
The doors of
the lift open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered
with garbage and toxic industrial wasteland, looking a bit like the eroded,
rabbit and fox affected Australian outback, but worse and more desolate.
The Devil
comes over to Rudd and puts an arm around his shoulder.' I don't
understand,' stammers a shocked Rudd, 'Yesterday I was here and there was a
golf course and a club-house and we ate lobster and caviar and drank
tequila. The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly and purrs, 'Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us!
WORLD WAR III IS COMING ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? President Bush and Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks "Is that who I think it is? The bartender says, 'Yep, that's them.' So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honour! What are you guys doing in here?' Bush says, 'We're planning WW III.' And the guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?' Bush says, 'Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits.' The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?' Bush turns to Rumsfeld and says, 'See, I told you no one CARES about the 140 million Muslims'.
This is why we love old people After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the tv. As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'That was wonderful. Why did you stop?' He said, 'I found the remote'.
INSTALLING A HUSBAND
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs,
and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3
to fix these problems, but to no! avail.
Please enter the command: 'http: I
Thought You Loved Me.html' and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to
install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0
should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
But remember, overuse of the above
application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5,Happy Hour
7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Whatever you do, DO
NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will
eventually seize control of all your system resources).
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great
program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications
quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and
performance.
We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot
Lingerie 7.7.
WHAT
IS A GRANDPARENT?
The Man and
the Ostrich:
Leaving
Work early:
After all she never called, or came back to
work, so how would she know they went home early?.
Lawyers should never ask grandmas a question if they aren't
prepared for
He approached her and asked; "Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've
known you
You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about
them
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since
he was
One of them was your wife. Yes I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
"If either of you rascals asks her if she knows me, I'll send
you to the This is very short and straight to the point!
A guy walks into a "Excuse me Miss, day ye hav any books on suicide?"
To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses, and says,
(Short one are sometimes good ones)
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. Officer: Don't have one? Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Older Woman: I can't do that. Officer: Why not? Older Woman: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer: You what? Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle. Older woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am? Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned. Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below: GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?" BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next." I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.
Even Jesus liked a good joke 2. He lived at home until he was 33. 3. He
was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was
God. 2. He
had wine with His meals. 1. He
was at peace with nature. 1. He never got married. 2. He
was always telling stories. 2. He
kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just
didn't get it.
The Duck and the
Lawyer The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
"A retired
corporate executive, now a widower, decided to take a vacation. He
booked himself on a The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to have a drink. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside? The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do, Why?" The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside; and sure enough, Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better." Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?". The Lone Ranger stands, again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?" The cowboy looks him in the eye and says, "Nothin, but you left your Injun running". Smart fella this Forest Gump. Subject: Forrest Gump was sent on his way to Heaven.
Upon his arrival, a concerned St Peter met Forrest at the Pearly Gates. I'm sorry Forrest, St Peter said; "But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals. That's Cool" said Forrest, What does the Entrance Exam consist of?" 3 Questions" said St Peter. Which are?" asked Forrest. The First" said St Peter, " Is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'? The second is : How many seconds are there in a year" The third is : What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?" Now" said St Peter, "Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me." So Forrest went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought. ( I expect you to do the same). The following morning, St Peter called upon Forrest and asked if he had considered the questions, to which Forrest replied, "I have." Well then," said St Peter, "Which two days of the week start with the letter T?" Forrest said, " Today . . and Tomorrow." St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question. Well then Forrest, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?" St Peter went on, " How many seconds in a year?" Forrest replied, "Just 12!" Only 12?" exclaimed St Peter, "How did you arrive at that figure Forrest?" Easy" said Forest. "There's the second of January, the second of February right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds." St Peter looked at Forrest and said,"I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision." And he walked away shaking his head. A short time later St Peter returned to Forrest. "I'll allow the answer to stand Forrest, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven." Now Forrest, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?" Forrest replied: "Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer." Really!" exclaimed St Peter, "And what is the answer, Forrest?" It's Andy." Andy??" Yes, Andy" said Forrest. This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to Forrest, asked "Forrest, how in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?" "Easy" said Forrest . . "Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his billy boiled ." And Forrest entered Heaven....
Tax Cuts That, boys and girls,
journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The
people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from
An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a
drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next
to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real
cowboy?" A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings." The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more
forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in
Billings."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't
serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings"
The bartender states, "Sorry, we
don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who
are on drugs." The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."
Priorities
A future maroon perhaps...Hughie Subject: NZ Thesaurus for Aussies
In case the Kiwi accent is ever a bit hard to follow...
Milburn ............... capital of Victoria
Peck .................. to fill a suitcase
Pissed aside .......... chemical which kills insects
Pigs .................. for hanging out washing with
Pug ................... large pink animal with a curly tail
Nin tin dough ......... computer game
Munner stroney ........ soup
Min ................... male of the species
Mess Kara ............. eye makeup
McKennock ............. person who fixes cars
Mere .................. Mayor
Leather ............... foam produced from soap
Lift .................. departed
Kiri Pecker ........... famous Australian businessman
Kittle crusps ......... potato chips
Ken's ................. Cairns
Jumbo ................. pet name for someone called Jim
Jungle Bills .......... Christmas carol
Inner me .............. enemy
Guess ................. vapour
Fush .................. marine creatures
Fitter cheney ......... type of pasta
Ever cardeau .......... avocado
Fear hear ............. blonde
Ear ................... mix of nitrogen and oxygen
Ear roebucks .......... exercise at the gym
Duffy cult ............ not easy
Amejen ................ visualise
Day old chuck ......... very young poultry
Bug hut ............... popular recording
Bun button ............ been bitten by insect
Beard ................. a place to sleep
Chully Bun ............ Esky
Sucks Peck ............ Half a dozen beers
Ear New Zulland ....... an extinct airline
Beers ................. large savage animals found in U.S. forests
Veerjun ............... mythical New Zealand maiden
One Doze .............. wellknown computer program
Brudge ................ structure spanning a stream
Sex ................... one less than sivven
Tin ................... onemore than nine
Iggs Ecktly ........... Precisely
Earplane .............. large flying machine
Beggage Chucken ....... place to leave your suitcase at the earport
Sivven Sucks Sivven ... large Boeing aircraft
Sivven Four Sivven... larger Boeing aircraft
Cuds .................. children
Pits .................. domestic animals
Cuttin ................ baby cat
Munce................. usually served on toast
GOOD MORNING FATHER
Blonde Stories A young Redhead goes into
the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it
"Impossible", says the doctor. "Show me." A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman; Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new
wives duties. The first man had married a woman from Albania, and bragged
that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house
cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days
but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all
washed and put away.
Chilli
judging In George Washington's day, there were no cameras. One's image was either sculpted or painted. Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back, while others showed both legs and both arms. Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted. Arms and legs are "limbs," therefore painting them would cost the buyer more. Hence the expression, "Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg."As incredible as it sounds, men and women took baths only twice a year! (May and October) Women kept their hair covered, while men shaved their heads (because of lice and bugs) and wore wigs. Wealthy men could afford good wigs made from wool. The wigs couldn't be washed, so to clean them they could carve out a loaf of bread, put the wig in the shell, and bake it for 30 minutes. The heat would make the wig big and fluffy, hence the term "big wig." Today we often use the term "here comes the Big Wig" because someone appears to be or is powerful and wealthy.In the late 1700s, many houses consisted of a large room with only one chair. Commonly, a long, wide board was folded down from the wall and used for dining. The "head of the household" always sat in the chair while everyone else ate sitting on the floor. Once in a while, a guest (who was almost always a man) would be invited to sit in this chair during a meal. To sit in the chair meant you were important and in charge. Sitting in the chair, one was called "the chair man." Today in business we use the expression or title "Chairman" or "Chairman of the Board." Needless to say, personal hygiene left much room for improvement. As a result, many women and men had developed acne scars by adulthood. The women would spread bee's wax over their facial skin to smooth out their complexions. When they were speaking to each other, if a woman began to stare at another woman's face, she was told "mind your own bee's wax." Should the woman smile, the wax would crack, hence the term "crack a smile." Also, when they sat too close to the fire, the wax would melt, and therefore the expression "losing face." Ladies wore corsets that would lace up in the front. A tightly-tied lace was worn by a proper and dignified lady as in "straight-laced." Common entertainment included playing cards. However, there was a tax levied when purchasing playing cards, but only applicable to the "Ace of Spades." To avoid paying the tax, people would purchase 51 cards instead. Yet, since most games require 52 cards, these people were thought to be stupid or dumb because they weren't "playing with a full deck." Early politicians required feedback from the public to determine what was considered important to the people. Since there were no telephones, TV's or radios, the politicians sent their assistants to local taverns, pubs, and bars and they were told to "go sip some ale and listen to people's conversations and political concerns. Many assistants were dispatched at different times. "You go sip here," and "You go sip there." The two words "go sip" were eventually combined when referring to the local opinion and, thus we have the term "gossip." At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint and quart - sized containers. A bar maid's job was to keep an eye on the customers and keep the drinks coming. She had to pay close attention and remember who was drinking in "pints" and who was drinking in "quarts," hence the term "minding your "P's and Q's." One more: I bet you didn't know this! In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried iron cannons. Those cannons fired round, iron cannon balls. It was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon, but how to prevent them from rolling about the deck? The best storage method devised was a square-based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four, resting on nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem...how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding or rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate called a "Monkey", with 16 round indentations. But, if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it.The solution to the rusting problem was to make "Brass Monkeys." Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannonballs would come right off the monkey. Thus, it was quite literally, "Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey."And all this time, you thought that this was an improper expression, didn't you?)
A King Arthur Fable He returned to his
kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests,
the wise men, and the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could
give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old
witch-only she would know the answer. The price would be high; the witch was
famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. An Australian goes on an African safari taking his pet dingo along for company. One day, the dingo starts chasing butterflies and before long discovers that he is lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dingo thinks, "Gee, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dingo exclaims loudly, "Bugger me dead, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dingo nearly had me." Meanwhile, a monkey had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree. He figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dingo sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving Aussie dingo." The dingo sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "Bugger, what am I going to do now?" So, instead of running, the dingo sits down with his back to his approaching attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet. Just when they get close enough to hear, the dingo says, "Where's that bloody monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
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